Psyching yourself out- a Training CT recap

Before I get into the Training CT recap, I wanted to talk about confidence. And what it is like when you lose it. I am a pretty hardcore person. If I make a decision to do something, I put on my big girl panties and Get. It. Done. I don't have anxiety issues and I am not often nervous. For this show? I was a nervous wreck. Legit nervous. Thursday/Friday/Saturday I had trouble sleeping, I made myself sick on Saturday. I was actually literally shaking on Sunday. I couldn't eat breakfast. I didn't ride effectively in my dressage. And then I figured it out. It clicked. I realized why I was acting this way, when it is so abnormal for me. I had broken my confidence.

Fuzzy video screencaps FTW!

To prep for this show, I went from about 3', which we have been working on for the past few weeks, to 3'3" for one day and then immediately to 3'6". That ride on Wednesday went well, except for the end where she wasn't listening and was running to the jumps. But I was nervous and forced myself over it. And while it ended well, it shook my confidence because she wasn't listening. I figured I would power through like I always do, but apparently I didn't. I was suddenly put off of the large fences, she had knocked down those fences at the end bc she was running, and I think my brain could only see us bringing everything down in a total failure.

At least we looked cute!

So yeah. Sunday was not the show I had hoped. I really didn't ride effectively in dressage. I missed the canter lengthenings we have been working so hard on. I couldn't find my whip so I rode without it, but didn't then keep my inside leg back to keep Mia's haunches behind her. So almost every canter element on the test sheet has a comment about her haunches being in. She had no desire to stretch in our stretchy trot circle, an aspect I expected big points for, and she also didn't want to push during her free walk and instead meandered. Another big points loser. *sigh* The good part? We were sitting in 3rd out of 4 with a 36.4%. Not too shabby considering the state of the rider!

Position love!

 At least it was at this point I realized why I was having the anxiety. And you know what? After I figured it out, I felt so much better. I actually was able to eat, I was able to relax a little, and things were better. Mia warmed up well for stadium, though a bit fast. I actually regretted not getting the bit I tried last year for cross country, which did not help the anxiety that was trying to build. And, in reality? The stadium round went really well. Mia listened, she didn't knock anything over, she mostly collected when I asked, she even went over the triple combination with as much caution as I asked. Wonderful you say! What also happened during stadium? My anxiety made me lose my focus and I ended up off course., went WELL past our fence and had to double back, which gave me 4 jump penalties and 2.5 time penalties. GAH!!!!!!

Last jump of the triple, she was amazing

So we ended up 4th. We would have been a half point from 2nd if I hadn't had my course error, but oh well. Mia was AMAZING and had no idea why the hell I was such a wreck so I am happy. The plan is for ME to go back to 2'11" and then go up to 3'3" and  THEN stay there for several sessions before trying 3'6" again. I need to set myself up for success, mentally, because Mia is totally fine about all of it. She gets today off, and then I am giving myself some serious homework so we can try this again. But that's not all that happened on Sunday....